Oh Yay: Holidays, 2014, etc.

I've been kinda pissed lately. Why you might ask? Well, I'm not really sure. Maybe it's the busyness of the holidays, or maybe it's the impending new year, or maybe it's that my birthday is coming up. Maybe it's all of the above. Another year has flown by and I keep thinking about the year gone by and the year ahead.

This time of year I always ponder what the hell happened over the past year. Often times that pondering leads to self pitty and empty promises but this year is different. This year I'm irritated and frustrated. Which is good or bad, depending on the way you look at it.

Anyways, the holidays are always hard because everything- good and bad- is amplified. Those little things that bother you about your family that you figure out how to deal with year-round no longer seem to be avoidable. The excitement of the holiday season is dampened by your schedule that has become jammed packed with events and shopping centers and finding the perfect gift so your kid doesn't resent you for the next year. We try to cram in as much as possible to try and make each holiday season better than the last. And we will make it happen at any cost. It's kinda stupid.

The thing that's been pissing me off is that everything has been busy and overwhelming and there is no quiet time. Family, work and friend obligations become the priority while the simple things in fall by the wayside- the peaceful, nourishing moments we honor ourselves with throughout the year are the first things to go during the busy holiday season (and sometimes all year round). Things like yoga or sit down family dinners or quiet time turn into rushing out the door for work before the sun's even up, scouring the mall for gifts all night, and cramming in family obligations in between. I can tell that, at this point, I have not been honoring myself and listening to what I need and my patience for all this is waning.

motivational poster

I hate sacrificing things I care about for what other people want me to do. I hate pretending to be positive when I don't really feel that way. I hate feeling guilty when I say NO. And I hate that the holidays have become a chore.

Next year I'm going to actively curate my year. I'm sick of doing everything for everyone. I'm sick of allowing others to encroach upon my plans, thoughts and values. And for once in my life I'm going to be selfish with my time and energy. I'm going to have a plan. I'm going to be unapologetically myself, to plan my days according to what I want to do and what will nurture and nourish me, to make boundaries and not explain myself to others. I feel like more often than not I feel bad about myself and THAT'S NOT OK.

Next year I am going to make my emotional and physical health my priority. I'm going to work out and take care of myself. I'm going perfect a diet that works for me. I'm going to practice yoga and meditation daily because it's the only thing that makes me feel amazing and NOTHING should come before that. I'm going to cut back the obligations and make space for things I want to do. I'm going to say NO. Instead of yes being my go-to I'm going to say no or wait to respond until I can feel in my gut the right answer for me. And I'm going to let go of the guilt that goes along with saying no. I'm going to make my home an oasis. I am going to minimize the stuff and learn to live simply and intentionally. I'm going to re-spark my curiosity and creativity and invest more time in learning. I'm going to create quality time with Trev and create habits and traditions for OUR family. I'm going to draw people in to me that will be positive and supportive, people who honor me and who see my value. I will no longer be invisible. I am going to take those scary steps toward what I want (and figure out what that is). I will not be ruled by fear. I will not hide. I will not live small. I'm gonna fuck 2014 up.